Thursday, January 6, 2011

Live Blog: The Human Centipede

I've just spent the last hour regretting that I actually posted an announcement that I was doing this.  Way to not give myself an out....


11:02 - The menu is on.  It has a really irritating noise.  I'm regretting this decision.

11:04 - The opening credits are really incredibly bland.  Highway.  Highway landscaping.  Shiny silver car.  Oh, I should mention, my wireless has been having issues.  If I disappear, I swear it's not because I'm giving up.  Alright!  What's happening right now:  guy with a jacked up face that looks like Alan Cumming's plastic surgery in Romy and Michele is checking out personal photos of centipede dogs.  Real charming buddy.

11:06 - There's a dude with a checkered shirt taking a dump in the woods.  And...title card....American girls getting ready to go out in their German hotel room.  They're calling the front desk to ask for road directions.  Um, hello?  Internet?  Smartphones?  GPS?  Ugh, they're annoying.  I'm already annoyed.  Why the hell do they have a rented car in Germany, in the woods (to get to a club!?), when they don't have access to directions....?

11:09- You know how in horror movies people are always having car trouble at night in deserted areas?  Yes. That's happening now.  Girl with straight hair: "OMG! No signal!"  Girl with curly hair:  "OMG? There's always a signal!"  Ugh, I can't stop coughing.   Oh look, an obese middle aged German dude with a cigar propositioning the ladies in an undershirt from his Benz.   I already want to hit fast forward.

11:13- Let's take a walk!  Good idea!  Let's walk in the woods instead of on the road!  Awesome!  Let's yell a lot!  YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

11:17- These girls are dumb.  Also, they never even try to speak German.  Now they're locked into the madman's house, but you know, it's cool, he's got a nice fire and lovely parquet floors.  Dr. Heiter is less like Alan Cumming's plastic surgery with his sunglasses off, now he's more like Tommy Wiseau with a haircut.  "Hi doggy!"

11:21 - Foreshadowing:  two girls sharing one drugged cup.  Yeah, they're cool with sharing now.  How have I only been watching this for 20  minutes?  Let's check the runtime...92 minutes.  Ugh.  Bad decisions

11:24 - Puke on the parquet.  Injections.  Waking up on hospital gurneys.  New friend!  As per usual, all of this could have been easily avoided.  These people, man, they never learn.

11:29 - Thumb twiddling.  Neat fact:  Dieter Laser (evil Dr. Heiter) is 68 years old.  Right now, he's picking up deadweight bodies with one arm and carrying a rifle in the other.  Sometimes people cultivate very interesting hobbies in their retirement.

11:31- New dude just woke up, he keeps screaming "The Japanese possess incredible strength when backed into a corner."  I don't even know what to make of that.

11:32- Dr. Heiter doesn't like Powerpoint, so he just goes with the standard overhead projector presentation.

----observe.  this is actually what i'm looking at right now.  you can tell he really put a lot of effort into these drawings...

11:36- ESCAPE ATTEMPT.  Seriously, this is the point where you break the window when you can't get out the door...but no, instead she locks herself in what appears to be an untouched hotel suite and doesn't search for a weapon, just cowers behind the bed informing Dr. Heiter that he needs help and just might be a sick man.  Really?  You don't say!  Her arm is bleeding really profusely...Wow.  She can't get out of the room she locked herself...this is just poor planning.

11:40- If you jump into a pool with an arm covered in blood, you would assume the water would get a little red.  You would assume wrong.

11:43- Still trying to escape.

11:44 - Fail.

11:46- Things were more entertaining when I tried to live blog Salo but then never actually posted it.  Seriously so bored.   It's surgery time and even Dr. Heiter is bored.  Dude is taking a nap, watching his window get fixed, making himself a drink, sitting under a tree, chilling on the couch...what a procrastinator.

11:48 - Never mind.  He's totally done, and creepily much more affectionate about his monster now than he was about the pieces when they were separate.  He does realize there are still three brains there, right?  Also, the Japanese dude has a Playboy bunny tattooed on his upper arm.

11:50 - It's alive.  Kodak moment!  I'm supposed to be disturbed now, right?  Really, this just looks silly.

11:52 - Dr. Heiter is super emotional about this.  His baby is all grown up and plausible.  What the hell does he do with it now?  Lock it in a cage with the Japanese man still yelling like crazy.  Whatever you do, sir, please, don't fart.

11:54- He's seriously training the human centipede to fetch the paper.  Cause, you know, no one will think anything of it when that thing goes for a stroll down the driveway...

11:56 - Those mouths don't really look securely attached to those anuses.  Were they stitched on?  Because I have a feeling they could just tear away if they really worked at it.  Oh dear god, the Japanese man has to shit.

11:58- "Feed her!  Feed her!  Swallow it bitch!"  Easily the most unsettling thing thus far, even though absolutely nothing is shown other than the Japanese man looking uncomfortable.

12:00- I need a cough drop.

The Next Morning - The internet gods intervened and put an end to this post, probably for the better as there was actually surprisingly little to make commentary on.  The movie, though, didn't end.   I finished it, I can say I actually watched it and that it is, indeed, really just awful.  Here's what you need to know: in spite of all the hype and the nastiness of the general concept, almost everything in Human Centipede is based around the power of suggestion and not actually shown on screen.  When it comes to the Centipede, you never see anything more than the white bandages, the rest is all in your mind.  Literally.  Almost everything that grosses you out about this movie is something you've already considered, and not on the screen.  You've done worse in your mind than the film ever comes close to.  Even when Dr. Heiter becomes angry with his creation and beats it....we don't see it.  What we do have are a lot of attempts to make a twisted "suspense" drama.  Escape attempts, the victims freaking out as they learn their fate, the cat and mouse game between the madman and the investigators searching for the missing persons, etc.  The thing is, as a horror/thriller, it's more alarmingly boring than intense.

There's nothing to see here other than a celluloid black hole.

  

5 comments:

  1. xD!!! I never thought about the fart part. Ew to the max.

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  2. Too bad it got cut off, it kind of makes sense that the movie isn't actually as bad as it seems. Still don't ever want to see it though.

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  3. Thanks for taking one for the team. That unfortunate photo you posted is enough for me.

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  4. Ditto on the photo. To think those poor people were probably only getting scale for that.

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  5. So I'm on a different computer testing screen resolutions, comparing my blog's width with other blogs, the usual stuff. I google "love and squalor blog" and this is the first result that I get(just so you know btw lol). I click on it. This is disturbing.

    I heard of the human centipede, but I never thought it was... that. I mean, I've seen the South Park parody with Steve Jobs but never made the connection. It's stupid, but I can be so oblivious to these things sometimes. But anyway, South Park is animation, and I know this is only a film but... how can someone even come up with that? I'm not sure I want to know.

    I'm sorry, I'm just so nauseous right now. Just thinking about it... I don't know how you managed to watch this. Jesus. What's the point of it.

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