Ah yes, here we are again: the celebrity feeding frenzy, the fever pitch of self-congratulatory back patting and grand professions on the nature of "the craft", the Super Bowl of awards shows: The Academy Awards. Can you feel the anticipation building? Or are you already bored? Are you as excited as I am that the biggest possible upset is some grand coup in which James Franco somehow sneaks ahead for the one nominated film I've grown to truly hate (yes, my feelings have solidified on 127 Hrs.). Here we are: already an hour into the 90-minutes of red carpet coverage, repeating celebrities over and over with nary an interesting moment. Thus far: I choose Cate Blanchett as my sartorial favorite. Then again, the television is cycling through the same celebrities over and over and over again. They really don't give me much choice...
7:18: Oh wait: True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld has a most excellent Marchesa princess gown.
7:34: Alright, thus far the opening montage is pretty spectacular. Dance of the brown duck? Not bad...
also, Anne Hathaway's gown is the third in excellent sartorial choices.
Also, that grandma bit was cute. James Franco, it's too bad my grad school rejected you...
Achievement in Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland (too bad the film sucked)
Achievement in Cinematography: Inception
7:47: This man just referred to Christopher Nolan as "his master." While I understand the context, imagining Nolan as anyone's "master" is a bit terrifying. The nose, the hair, the jaw, the accent. Please imagine Christopher Nolan wielding a bullwhip.
7:51: Kirk Douglas: the man, the myth, the earlobes!
It's taken over five minutes to get to this. Finally:
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo, The Fighter
7:59: Melissa Leo is freaking out wicked haaad, right? Man, that's one way to guarantee she gets thrown on every memorable moment montage for the next century of film making. Enough already. You're going to knock over Kirk Douglas...one of those damn MTV video girls...Melissa...wash your mouth out with soap...
(Sidenote: M would like you to know that she is not pleased with the Art Direction/Cinematography awards. Meanwhile, I would like you to know they knocked off 2 wins on my ballot...)
Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing
Best Animated Feature: Toy Story 3 -- big surprise. big f*cking surprise. yes, yes, it's an excellent film...but I'd honestly have preferred to see a non sequel score today. Specifically: How to Train Your Dragon. Ahem. MM: hush. (Other M would like you to know that she's very displeased about this as well: "ugh Toy Story, I hate this shit")
8:09: I now can't shake this image of Christopher Nolan with a bullwhip and a Ben-Hur get-up lashing Leonardo DiCaprio and Christian Bale with the Inception score blaring and him screaming that "this isn't a dream! They can't escape!" Then, Michael Caine walks up and says "Anne Hathaway isn't Catwoman, not a lot of people know that..."
Best Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
Best Original Screenplay: The King's Speech
8:25: DAME HELEN MIRREN. Bow down.
Best Foreign Language Film (in which somehow I Am Love is not nominated, automatically making this category null and void): In a Better World
Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale, The Fighter -- here comes the bloody huntsman, up to the stage, glad Charlie Sheen has caused everyone in Hollywood to completely forget his little Terminator outburst....wait....did he just forget his wife's name?
8:38: Let's talk about something more interesting while the Academy president does a lame PSA about how they're basically sucking face with ABC. Lemurs? I've heard they're actually more closely related to humans than monkeys, which I choose to believe, because I can't stand monkeys...
Best Original Score: Social Network (yeaaaaaaah Trent Reznor)
8:45: ScarJo's hair is dreadful. Also: Matthew McConaughey is the worst. Ass hat. Look at his ass hat face.
Best Sound Mixing: Inception
Best Sound Editing: Inception
8:53: James Franco kind of looks like a constipated wax figure sometimes. Like, just really uncomfortable.
8:54: Text from the outside: "Kirk Douglas does a fantastic Dick Clark"
Best Achievement in Make-Up: The Wolfman.
Best Costume Design: Alice in Wonderland --this woman is big on personality, isn't she? This is awkward. Helena Bonham Carter looks like she's having flashbacks to The King's Speech.
9:01: I would much prefer if Dr. Spaceman (that would be Kevin Spacey for all those who don't live in my head) sang all the songs instead of letting Anne Hathaway or Gwyneth Paltrow or Randy Newman invade the stage.
9:03: I really don't understand the appeal of Randy Newman. This is just like "You've Got a Friend" the remix, right?
Best Documentary Short Subject: Strangers No More
Best Live Action Short Film: God of Love
9:20: For the record, I've not seen any of these shorts, but I got both right on my at home Oscar ballot. Take that Jake Gyllenhaal...
9:17: This montage might be the best use of autotune in a very long time...does he own a shirt? Why would he own a shirt? I cracked up...
9:19: Please please please let Banksy go ape shit on Oprah....
Best Documentary Feature: Inside Job (LAAAAAAME)
9:26: When did Billy Crystal become a Hollywood legend? Whenever I see him, I just think: "Waiter, there's too much pepper on my paprikash..."
9:28: Not that there's anything wrong with Billy Crystal.
9:29: HOLODECK TECHNOLOGY.
9:32: M. were you in that hotel in 2001 with Robert Downey Jr.? In your Wonder Woman costume? I mean, I never wanted to ask, I just sort of assumed...but now seems like a good time...
Best Visual Effects: Inception
Best Film Editing: The Social Network
9:42: I don't remember this song in 127 Hrs.
9:43: Is it some sort of requirement this season that Gwynnie has to sing at every live event? She sounds like crap. Seriously. Like the drunk, jilted girl who's went out because she's depressed and stumbled up to the karaoke stage when her friends weren't paying attention...
Best Original Song: Randy Newman, "We Belong Together"
9:55: When was the last time Halle Berry changed her hairstyle? Also, am I the only one really bored by Halle Berry?
10:01: Anne Hathaway's newest costume change makes her look like a very elegant tube of gift wrap.
Best Director: Tom Hooper, The King's Speech
WHAT!? UPSET! No, seriously, are you kidding me? How the hell does Tom Hooper sweep in an swipe that from David Fincher!? Good lord that's so wrong...
10:06: I forgot all about that thing where Godard was like "I don't need you Academy..." and he was, of course, right. Why would Godard want a lifetime achievement award?
10:10: Wait, does this mean we don't get a montage lifetime achievement award? I kind of like those...
10:12: I have this feeling like Annette Bening is just psychotic most of the time.
---- I'd kind of like to give the award to Michelle Williams, actually.
-----But we all know that won't happen...
Best Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan --- Wow, she's really going to thank everyone who worked the craft services table, isn't she?
10:19: I hate when actor types talk about their craft. It's the most insanely pretentious thing I've ever heard.
Best Actor: Colin Firth, The King's Speech --- In all seriousness: this should have been the second year running for him. He's experiencing stirrings...
10:31: Michael Caine says, "Steven Spielberg is actually the Supreme Dance Commander Emperor of Hollywood, not a lot of people know that..."
Best Picture: The King's Speech
There go my high hopes of a sneak attack by The Social Network. Well, at least it's my second runner up. Hey guys, an excellent film actually won this year....