Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Yes, Really with Wilde.Dash #26: Speed (1994)

The usual caveat: Believe it or not, for someone totally obsessed with movies, I do a lot of selective editing, snubbing, and ignoring. That is to say: there are a whole lot of well-known movies I've actually never bothered to watch. I've spent a lot of time hunting down obscurities and not quite as much time seeing the movies you've probably been watching since you were 10 years old. Because of this, in conversation I frequently have this interaction. Me: "I've never actually seen that movie" You: "What? I've seen a movie you haven't?" Me: "Yes" You: "How have you not seen that movie?" Me: "I never wanted to" You: "Really?" Me: "Yes, really." Thus: Yes, Really with Wilde.Dash a feature in which I fill in my pop culture education, watch all the boring basics, and let you know whether or not I decided they were worth my time.


When we type out our thoughts on Speed we have to type out our thoughts at 50 MPH otherwise whatever it is we’re typing on will explode and this means that there’s no room for punctuation or sentences or thinking or any of the usual crap that weighs us down or pushes the brakes or stops and scratches an itch and thinks that hey it’s been awhile since you washed your hands and it’s cold and flu season no matter what the weather tells you because here it’s still like fifty degrees and that’s really throwing us off and we haven’t had any sort of snow in weeks and sometimes we walk outside and we’re like this is what California must feel like except for it’s so dry that our noses bleed a little bit in the morning and all the squirrels are still obese because they’re supposed to be underground or in the trees or wherever it is that squirrels sleep to keep away from the harsh conditions of the world like the possibility that they could casually board a bus and have that bus be a moving wired explosive target for a deranged Dennis Hopper who is so angry all the time because wouldn’t you just figure that Dennis Hopper would be so angry all the time because he was totally Bowser not that long ago and so yeah he would be the wronged villain who decides to put a bomb on a bus in exchange for ransom and to get back at Keanu Reeves because someone has a master plan and you know that makes total sense and no it’s definitely not a product of the 90’s except for it definitely is and aren’t we lucky that Sandra Bullock is on board the bus to do that thing where she’s cute and out of place and quippy and can handle stunt driving like a pro on the circuit which was disappointing because I was kind
of hoping that her job was actually a bus driver because I feel like bus drivers don’t get enough play seeing as how they’re pretty much the sassiest people on the planet and control their shit like whoa and I don’t see them being too phased by this whole imma drive up a ramp and keep my cool at 50 MPH thing because SERIOUSLY if I were a bus driver in Los Angeles I’d be dying for the day that I could just floor that thing and fly into walls without worrying about the repercussions instead of the usual chug chug chug a block stop open doors close chug chug chug a block routine but hey that’s just me and when I ride a bus I spend the entire time thinking about what will happen when I get off the bus and when it is that I can get off the bus and what the hell is wrong with the people on the bus around me and in case of emergency what is my escape plan and you can see that I’m not good at public transportation which is why I have a car even though sometimes I don’t want to put gas in it and if I had been on the bus in Speed I probably would have done something fairly idiotic like leap from the bus as soon as I saw a grassy knoll and say to hell with the rest of the people on it because I’m cynical like that and if someone told me we had to stay about 50 mph or everyone would blow  and that someone was a terrorist who already put a bomb on the bus I wouldn’t trust that anything good could come of this so as long as I was already going to die I’d give a shot to living via leap and roll and I’d probably break some bones but I’d also probably clear the blast of a bus hurtling away from me at 50 mph so you know I might live so there’s that because there are only two places where Keanu Reeves has any kind of authority and neither or those places is on public transportation unless that transport is a ship moving through the matrix or a cat taking you to the devil and yes that is an obscure reference to Constantine because I was actually a big fan of that movie even though there’s a lot that’s not great about it because in addition to the bad there’s a fair amount of good like Transformers would probably be better if Tilda Swinton played Optimus Prime but she doesn’t so that’s why that doesn’t work and I’m not trying to give Keanu Reeves a hard time because really I like the guy and he has a definite time and place and he’s the grandmaster of saying woah in a way that truly resonates with dumbfounded wonder but even though I like Keanu there was definitely a reason why I avoided Speed and that reason is that it never ends but also we know how it’s going to end and the payoff is like nothing and I'm so like not into this this week and guys they're totally going to fall in love and totally going to kiss at a potentially inopportune moment and oh my god there's so much tension in every direction and oh my god someone died and look Dennis Hopper is like so crazy guys and 


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