Thursday, November 8, 2012

Under 250: What to Expect When You're Expecting

0 out of 5.  That's right.  0 out of 5.  If you know me, you may be wondering what would compel me to even put this movie on.  I mean, I'm clearly not the target demographic: I'm frightened of babies, not at all interested in a pregnancy narrative that doesn't turn towards body horror, and have hated every single one of these ensemble lady comedies (see: Valentine's Day, etc) with a fiery, fiery passion.  Still, I needed something stupid on while I completed some mind-numbingly repetitive work, and I figured this would be innocuous.

Innocuous? Maybe.  Vacuous?  Yes. Irritating? Beyond. So far beyond. Who did they make this movie for?  How is it possible, I wonder, that Hollywood was able to round up this many actors for a film in which not a single joke reads as funny?   In delivery the lines are a cloying mess of spittle, but even on the page I cannot fathom a point at which any of these lines 'worked'.  If you're not aware of the basic premise, What to Expect is actually 'based on' an instructional non-fiction text (first possible mistake) and seeks, apparently, to explore some of the different symptoms one may experience during pregnancy. What you may not realize about this complete pile of shit is that most of the women you see on the poster do not even have storylines that intersect at all, let alone in a constructive way.  Instead, this is a film that bounces between characters (mostly white, too-privileged ladies) over the course of nine months and somehow thinks it's achieving something revelatory when its unmarried couple suffers a miscarriage or it throws Elizabeth Banks on a stage to have her bitch about how she's actually quite miserable being pregnant.  I mean, that tired old scene is the closest that What to Expect When You're Expecting gets to the apparently alien concept of 'humor', and is so forced its actually painful.  I won't even get started on what Cameron Diaz is being forced to do in this so-called 'film', suffice to say that it's pretty bad when Jennifer Lopez manages to be among the least annoying components of a movie (these days).  What to Expect is so mindbogglingly vapid that I'm convinced the producers must have had serious blackmail leverage on all of the actors involved.  Short of saying that, you know, maybe it's actually just a side effect of these actors selling their souls to the devil, there can be no other reason for its existence.  

3 comments:

  1. Good review. I didn't hate this movie all that much, but it actually entertained me. The cast was very so-so but when there was a heart to be found in this movie, it really showed up.

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  2. Haha.. 0 out of 5? Any chance of a Razzie? I haven't seen this but based on the premise, poster, and trailer would have guest it would be my cup of tea. Still didn't expect it to be this bad though. But I have to say I enjoyed Cameron D in "There's Something About Mary"

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    Replies
    1. *typo=would have guest it WOULDN'T be my cup of tea...

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