Sunday, February 24, 2013

Oscar 2013 Liveblog


IT'S LIVE BLOGGING TIME, BITCHES. Who's ready for this? I am so ready for this. Why? Because this year The Artist isn't in the running and as long as Les Mis doesn't execute a surprise  coup (it won't, right?), I have nothing to flip my lid about because honestly? 2012 was a pretty boring year for film, in my opinion, and two of my favorites (The Master and Moonrise Kingdom) got blocked from the Best Picture running.  I'm favoring Django Unchained, no question, with Amour in second place as a worthy title holder. Since neither film has much of a chance, however, we're just gonna ride this out and play the game for league points. 

As you may recall, this year some friends and I set up an award season fantasy movie league (rules and details here), and post Spirit Awards and Razzies, I have found myself suddenly with a fifty point lead. So, I'm rooting for the horses I've got in this race (even though I think Beasts of the Southern Wild is phenomenally overrated): Zero Dark Thirty, Silver Linings Playbook, Beasts of the Southern Wild, Moonrise Kingdom, and Frankenweenie.  Let's do this. 



6:33:  Dear Anne Hathaway, that dress is heinous. It's like two bridesmaids dresses sewn into one, and the bodice? Are you kidding me? Those seams? You appear to have FOUR nipples. Anne 'four nips' Hathaway. New nickname.

6:37: This picture doesn't cut it. You can only see 1/2 of the weird bumpage happening in this dress.  Compliment, though? Your hair looks fluffy, Anne Hathaway.

6:51: Someone please slip Kristin Chenoweth a tranquilizer.  And by slip I mean shoot her with a dart. Right now.

6:53: Meanwhile on E!, we need to limit the usage of 'OBSESSED'.  OMG, I am OBSESSED! OBSESSED! I am like, OBSESSED WITH THE FACT THAT I AM OBSESSED.

7:19: Do any of these networks dare put red carpet folks out there who will actually talk to people like human beings?

7:24: I didn't even recognize Renee Zellweger.

7:29: Alright, that Mercedes Benz Willem Dafoe commercial kinda killed it.

7:33: You know, Tommy Lee Jones really does look like Grumpy Cat. I can't unsee it.

7:35: THE SHAT. THE SHAT CONQUERS ALL.  Between the arrival of a Star Trek reference and a song about boobs, I think we've effectively classed up the joint.

7:42: Flight sock puppets, I see you and I appreciate you.  Music in the movies showtunes, I feel weirder about you. But, adorable. Nice kicks Radcliffe.

7:47: BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR goes to CHRISTOPH WALTZ for Django Unchained.  2 for 2, that guy. Though I do think PSH deserved it a little more this time.

7:57: This animation exchange is clever, I think, but no one seems to be getting it. BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM goes to the delightfully sweet Paperman

8:00: Man, these people really dressed the part, didn't they. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE goes, deservedly, to BRAVE.

8:06: To the man with the flowing Fabio locks, we give you an Oscar for BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY for your efforts for LIFE OF PI.  Man, this guy has feelings. He's like an overexcited Samoyed.

8:09: ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS goes to LIFE OF PI, perhaps the most subtle of the options.

8:18: Predictably, COSTUME DESIGN goes to ANNA KARENINA. And as we lead into makeup may I just say that Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston could both use some touching up right now.  Lookin' a bit washed out up on that stage, guys. MAKEUP goes to LES MIS. THESE LADIES. PINK LEGGINGS? WHAT IS THIS OUTFIT?

8:21: Halle Berry always looks the same. I want that dress to just be straight across the top, crewneck it.  Now, let's shut up while I watch this Bond tribute.

8:25: Whoa, they really just produced Shirley Bassey. #ALLTIMEGREATKARAOKESONGS

8:28: $10 says Quentin Tarantino just had a nerdgasm during that number.

8:33: LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM = CURFEW.  Also, can we talk about Kerry Washington in real life? Because I think she's actually terrible at acting like she's human, and not a Barbie doll with a fixed smile.  BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT = INOCENTE

8:37: I feel like the look on Amy Adams' face was just like "Oh...a homeless person on the stage."  Not a great cutaway, camera person.

8:43: DOCUMENTARY FEATURE goes to SEARCHING FOR SUGAR MAN.

8:50: Jessica Chastain is certainly among the best dressed of the evening, btw.

8:51: Huzzah! BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM to the devastating AMOUR.

8:52: It seems really odd to me that the orchestra isn't in the building. Right?

8:53: I was really hoping Travolta was just going to come out, or something, and do that crazy kind of Jodie Foster Globes speech.

8:54: Catherine Zeta Jones looks great, I think. But... I'm having serious flashbacks right now.

8:56: Remember that time when Beyonce was completely pushed to the background by Jennifer Hudson?  That was a thing. Look. It's happening again. Sidenote: I completely forgot about Dreamgirls. 


8:59: Damn.

9:00: Oh god, please don't let Russell Crowe sing. What have we done? Sweet Jesus, what have we done to deserve this torment? Ugh. It hasn't even started and I want it to stop.

9:03: I DREAMED A DREAM THAT THIS WOULD STOP. Pandering, pandering, pandering...

9:04: Though yes, at least Anne Hathaway changed out of that god awful dress. Let's all please note this other dress.

9:09: How have we still not hit Best Supporting Actress yet?

9:11: A teddy bear presents the award for BEST SOUND MIXING to LES MISERABLES. Meanwhile, some SOUND EDITING love for (SURPRISE TIE!!) ZERO DARK THIRTY and a man who is apparently part wolf, or...yorkie. Just tie a little red bow on his head.  Second Oscar goes to SKYFALL. 

9:17: WHY DO ALL THESE TECH GUYS HAVE THIS SUPER LONG HAIR?

9:19: OH MY GOD THAT SOUND OF MUSIC JOKE KILLED THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING. Allow me to quote the E! Fashion Police and say, simply I AM OBSESSED.

9:23: She may be the phoniest person to get up on that stage tonight. Histrionics are second nature to this woman. Too much, can't deal with it. Shush....  oh, and yes, I'm talking BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS from ANNE HATHAWAY.  Wow. Miss America much?

9:33: FILM EDITING for ARGO.

9:47: Is Kristin Stewart eyeing Harry Potter? PRODUCTION DESIGN to LINCOLN. 

9:50: Salma Hayek is really making the enunciation happen after that Seth MacFarlane jab. Hands on hips, commit to the pronunciation.

9:57: Having George Clooney present the In Memoriam is supposed to soften the blow, right?

10:02: Babs, memories, so many accessories.  Also, this stage is gorgeous.

10:03: I feel like I'm watching her secret lounge act. This is the Duke Silver banter hour...


10:09: They're really pushing Chicago down our throats, aren't they? BEST ORIGINAL SCORE for LIFE OF PI. Also, I don't think that Renee Zellweger can actually read through her eye slits...

10:12: I'm legitimately worried about Renee Zellweger. She's so awkward she's making everyone else look awkward.  I'm worried that Renee Zellweger isn't actually there, that that's someone wearing a Renee Zellweger suit...

10:17: ORIGINAL SONG naturally, is SKYFALL.  I would like Adele's dress, please.

10:23: We're almost there, getting close to the end of all the shenanigans. BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY = ARGO. Not what I would choose for a writing win, but I guess everyone like the 'Ar-go fuck yourself' line.

10:26: Not my points, but thank god. Would have been criminal, otherwise.  ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY= DJANGO UNCHAINED.

10:33: Big guns are out, we're ready for our close ups.  Time for BEST DIRECTOR with a woman who barely ages.  Holy shit, really? ANG LEE FOR LIFE OF PI. I'm frankly surprised, know there were some serious advancements made to shoot that, but...?

10:40: K.Stew looks like she did a bunch of blow in the bathroom.

10:42: The small Wallis child is rather irritating, no? BEST ACTRESS to JENNIFER LAWRENCE for SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK. 

10:44: Only Jennifer Lawrence could pull off a fall like that. Opposite of Anne Hathaway's phony sincerity? Jennifer Lawrence.

10:45: No, no, Meryl Streep, we KNOW you were picking a wedgie.

10:48: Of course, BEST ACTOR goes to DANIEL DAY LEWIS, who is as falsely modest as Anne Hathaway.  Like you didn't know it would happen...

10:52: At long last. Jack Nicholson and his wonky glasses arrive to tell us who's winning this whole shebang.

10:52: What the hell? Seriously? Is Michelle Obama gunning for a post-first lady Dick Clark career? Politics out of Hollywood, guys. For real. Nice message or not...

10:56: BEST PICTURE predictably, is ARGO.  Because, duh, the only one that glorifies Hollywood this year...

10:57: Whoa, that woman crying...

BTW: 7 POINT LEAGUE LEAD FOR ME. Gap nearly closed, but I held on.

Game over. 

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