Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Under 250: Battleship
I AM WATCHING THE SECOND HALF OF BATTLESHIP.
THEY HAVE ACTUALLY JUST RUN OUT OF NEW TECHNOLOGY AND RESORTED TO FIRING UP A WW2 MUSEUM. BECAUSE OF COURSE.
They're like "NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO RUN THIS MUSEUM!!!!!"
AND THEN ALL OF THE OLD MAN VETERANS WALK OUT IN SLOW MOTION.
And now the old men veterans and John Carter have teamed up in a montage set to AC/DC or something.
I THINK THESE MEN ARE REAL VETERANS. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY ANCIENT.
I can FEEL how close this is to the "you sunk my battleship" line. It's coming. I know it.
John Carter just stared at someone and said "art of war"
"You're gonna die, I'm gonna die, we're all gonna die...BUT NOT TODAY."
A veteran has just proclaimed "THEY AIN'T GONNA SINK THIS BATTLESHIP"
John Carter has been corrected on his improper use of Sun Tzu by a Japanese naval officer. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE.
A BURLY MAN WITH ARTIFICIAL LIMBS IS FIGHTING AN ALIEN IN ARMOR BY CRACKING ITS HELMET REPEATEDLY AGAINST HIS ARTIFICIAL LEGS.
THEY DIDN'T SINK THE BATTLESHIP. WTF.
Why did the old technology work? THE ART OF WAR, INTERPRETED INCORRECTLY BY A GLORIFIED MORON.
John Cater has been told by Liam Neeson that he doesn't have his blessing in marrying his generic daughter. John Carter says "but...I saved the world."