Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Under 250: Battleship

I watched Battleship in two parts over January 18 and 19.  During the first part, I was like half asleep. I honestly don't even know why I finished the movie. John Carter (Taylor Kitsch) stole a burrito from the grocery store to impress a generic looking blonde girl who I actually confused for the generic looking blonde girl in roughly six other films before looking her up and realizing she hadn't been in any of them (this one is Brooklyn Decker, who makes terrible acting decisions).  Still, I watched the second part.  There's no point in commenting. Instead, I will send you a transcript of the text play-by-play I sent to someone during the film. This is what happens in this movie. It sounds better than it is. Trust me.

I AM WATCHING THE SECOND HALF OF BATTLESHIP.

THEY HAVE ACTUALLY JUST RUN OUT OF NEW TECHNOLOGY AND RESORTED TO FIRING UP A WW2 MUSEUM. BECAUSE OF COURSE.

They're like "NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO RUN THIS MUSEUM!!!!!"

AND THEN ALL OF THE OLD MAN VETERANS WALK OUT IN SLOW MOTION.

And now the old men veterans and John Carter have teamed up in a montage set to AC/DC or something.

I THINK THESE MEN ARE REAL VETERANS. THEY ARE SERIOUSLY ANCIENT.

I can FEEL how close this is to the "you sunk my battleship" line. It's coming. I know it.

John Carter just stared at someone and said "art of war"

"You're gonna die, I'm gonna die, we're all gonna die...BUT NOT TODAY."

A veteran has just proclaimed "THEY AIN'T GONNA SINK THIS BATTLESHIP"

John Carter has been corrected on his improper use of Sun Tzu by a Japanese naval officer. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN THIS MOVIE.

A BURLY MAN WITH ARTIFICIAL LIMBS IS FIGHTING AN ALIEN IN ARMOR BY CRACKING ITS HELMET REPEATEDLY AGAINST HIS ARTIFICIAL LEGS.

THEY DIDN'T SINK THE BATTLESHIP. WTF.

Why did the old technology work? THE ART OF WAR, INTERPRETED INCORRECTLY BY A GLORIFIED MORON.

John Cater has been told by Liam Neeson that he doesn't have his blessing in marrying his generic daughter. John Carter says  "but...I saved the world."

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