Aaaand somehow we've managed to find ourselves writing this about two weeks later, when the film has already slipped back and all but disappeared from the box office roster. It's too bad. The first quarter of the year is always a mixed bag of genre screw-ups and Oscar leftovers. It's the time when Hollywood is resting on its laurels, preparing to launch a full-scale cash-grabbing initiative of summer blockbuster hype and late season prestige pictures. Occasionally, they'll slip a potential franchise starter into the mix. Especially, it seems, if that franchise is the sort designed to spread via word of mouth through the hallowed halls of middle schools and high schools nationwide. Beautiful Creatures is one such film. Based on the co-authored young adult novel of the same title, the film is essentially just another supernatural romance spawned from the torturous reign of Twilight. Boy meets girl. Rural country. Strange powers. Mad love. Bad things a brewin'. If I had to guess, you're already suppressing the urge to projectile vomit during one fiercely laborious eye roll.
1. Teen witches.
2. A Southern Gothic aesthetic
3. Oddly integrated Charles Bukowski references
4. Emma Thompson and Jeremy Irons with full-blown Southern accents
5. Outfits stolen from the closet of Stevie Nicks
6. Super campy melodrama
That's enough. Beautiful Creatures is sort of what would happen if Twilight had a teen-friendly baby with the first season of True Blood, all the vampires turned into witches, and someone snuck in and rewrote the dialogue so that it was effectively self-aware. It's pure, twangy mayhem with a magical spin and all the stupid-looking contact lenses you could ever hope for.