Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oscars 2012 Liveblog

Honestly, if I were you, I wouldn't read this liveblog.  I can tell you in advance how it's going to go: The Artist will win everything, I will kick, scream, complain, whine, and sulk in my little corner of the internet. The commentary will be run of the mill, but, guys, I have to vent someplace.  These people on the couch with me just don't want to hear it (well, hear it again).  So, they will pacify me with candy and cookies, I will hope for a shocking turn of events, and all of you are welcome to do your own venting here as well...

6:35: Melissa McCarthy should win a special award for most genuinely likable individual on the red carpet.  Maybe. Or, most genuinely likable actress?

6:37: I keep flipping between the ABC official red carpet coverage and E!, but I don't know why. E! is like the trash tabloid coverage down to the screen layout.  Cheap, easy, and loud.

6:46: Alright, guys, look at Jean Dujardin. Watch him. He's a charmer, but it's sort of like everything you like about his performance in The Artist isn't really acting, it's just him.  It's like that part in Juno where Michael Cera has to point out no, guys, it's not the stink eye, it's just her face.  That's Dujardin. He just is  that character...

7:00:  Just realized the actual telecast doesn't begin until 7:30. FOILED. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

7:09: The cavalry has arrived with the candy, and they've themed it appropriately: "SweetTartists, Swedish Fish for Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Pop Rocks for Extremely Loud (a bit of an explosion), slices for War Horse."

7:30: You know it's time for some storybook business when Morgan Freeman shows up.  #UltimateNarrator

7:35: Alright, that opening was fairly cute. Appreciate the Biebs "I'm here to get you the 18-24 demographic" bit, and, you know, that little Clooney/Crystal liplock.

7:38: We have to have the song.  This takes me back, guys.  First an obviously topical Field of Dreams reference, then a song and dance straight out of 1994.  Glorious.

Achievement in Cinematography: Hugo - gorgeous movie, I approve. Though, I'm not really sure how anything tops Tree of Life.
Achievement in Art Direction: Hugo again.  Approval rating: high. 

7:50: "Chapter 11 theatre" "Your name here theatre" poor Kodak.

7:51: Who put together this montage?  A big chunk of this looks sort of like an advert for an $8 DVD sale at Best Buy...

Costume Design:  Mark Bridges The Artist.  Whatever.  So, we were seeing too much of J.Lo's boob there, right?  This dress is really awkward...
Achievement in Makeup: Iron Lady  makes sense to me.

Best Foreign Language Film:  A Separation no alarms, no surprises.  Man, can they give me something to snarkily comment on already?  Otherwise, you know, I just have to keep eating candy. #LifeisHard

8:09: The Batman is here to bring us Best Supporting Actress, that clip really highlighted the ways in which that was the least impressive of Jessica Chastain's performances last year (I liked her in that role, but, Tree of Life...Take Shelter).  And the winner is...OCTAVIA "big surprise" SPENCER.  Waterworks! She looks great this evening, incidentally...

8:18: These little digital chirps are driving me positively insane. I feel like we're learning something about all of Hollywood, like they're all automatons or replicants and their voicechips are broken...


8:22: Tina Fey is doing that thing that Liz Lemon does when she's trying to be a bit elitist and flashy.

Film Editing: Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, I also wasn't expecting this.   
Sound Editing: Hugo .....Great pun, guys.  Groan...
Sound Mixing: Hugo.  Gonna win all the awards except the big one, right?

8:34: Just add Muppets. Stir. Same thing, maybe, with the Cirque....oh, Jonah Hill is clearly wishing he were more stoned for that.

8:41: I love Robert Downey Jr. Seriously.  This banter is pure gold.
Best Documentary Feature: Undefeated.  I asked for snarky commentary from the candy cavalry, they asked if I've been documenting the progression of their farts.  There you go.  That's as good as it gets.

8:45: Um, Christ Rock, I think that may be more along the lines of how working with Dreamworks goes, phone it in. BUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRN.
Best Animated Feature: RANGO!!!  Thank god Pixar went and sucked it up this year, Rango deserves this.

8:51: Ben Stiller looks befuddled by Emma Stone.  Is she channeling Kristen Wiig right now?  She's nailing this. They should have her host next year...
Achievement in Visual Effects: Hugo.  How mad is Andy Serkis right now?

8:58: Melissa Leo: More cursing please.  Throw some life into it.
9:00: Nick Nolte appears to have forgotten what he actually did while filming Warrior...
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer for Beginners.  Oldest actor ever to win an Oscar? Whoa, VON TRAPP FTW!! Who doesn't love this dude, seriously?  Although, this acceptance speech is nearly identical to the one he made at the Spirit Awards.

9:09: Damn dog.

9:12: Big flashy prop, Best Original Score: that half-baked score from The Artist. "No formal training..." yep, that's why it sounds like every other Hollywood cliche on the planet.   

9:16: Best Song: "Man or Muppet" As if you had any doubt.  Really wish that had been performed...

9:24: She has to stand like that in this gown, right? Is there a rule? Imma stick out my leg over here, imma jut out mah hip, imma stand like i'm on the cover of a comic book.  I'm beginning to believe she's in a parasitic relationship with her children.  They're eating all of her meals, possibly sucking the nutrients right out of her hair or something.
Best Adapted Screenplay: The Descendants
Oh, those men posing like Angelina Jolie just made my day....

9:29: Is Jolie's skin purple?  Like, a little bit?  She's wasting away, guys.
Best Original Screenplay: Woody Allen! Midnight in Paris! Naturally, Woody is a no show.  

9:39: Ah yes, the cast of Bridesmaids is here to deliver the dick jokes.
Best Live Action Short Film: The Shore, daddy/daughter Oscar win (she's a giggler...)
Best Documentary Short: Saving Face
Best Animated Short: The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore

9:51: Best Director: Michel Hazanivicius 
In that roster? A serious joke. Bullshit bullshit bullshit.

10:00: I'd somehow managed to conveniently forget that at some point tonight The Artist would begin winning everything important and I would begin to actually yell things in the direction of the television.

10:13: I'm not impressed with Natalie Portman's dress. It's cute, but somehow very prom to me.
10:14: I watched A Better Life awhile back but didn't bother to review it, while the acting was good, the whole scenario seemed very Lifetime Movie of the week to me. It just didn't hit any of the right notes for me.

10:15: Yes, I'm probably heartless.
Best Actor: Jean Dujardin for The Artist.  I AM BREAKING STUFF RIGHT NOW.  I AM BREAKING SO MUCH STUFF.  This should have been Michael Fassbender, but out of the nominees I was really rooting for Clooney. In thinking about it, he really did some impressively nuanced work.  #Disappointed

10:25: So, the thing for everyone to do lately is talk about how good Viola Davis has always been. My question is: how have we determined this, when was everyone paying close attention to Viola Davis?  I mean, she was great in Doubt and clearly an excellent actress, but...?
Best Actress: Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady.  The film wasn't great, but the performance was impossibly strong.  She's a class act, it's been awhile....

10:33: Viola Davis is a talented lady, guys.  She's got the advantage of being a household name now. She will have her day, and chances are it will be for a much better film than The Help.

Best Motion Picture: The Artist
That's it, guys. There's your damn dog.  Y'all are crazy.  I'm done. Game over. I have to go push this TV out the window and into the yard now.  Break all the things.  

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for your live blogging! I sat here refreshing the page after every announcement, also madly commentating on the proceedings through many different communication channels!


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