Sunday, March 2, 2014

Oscar 2014 Liveblog

In a last minute decision, we decide to do this again.  We open up Photoshop, we use the royal we, we quickly piece together a deeply corporate looking signifier for such a momentous occasion.  We realize that we have expressed very few opinions on this year's awards season, that we have been largely silent.  We are here to change that.  We have too much work we should be doing to do this, but we're doing it anyway.  Because it is tradition now. Because we must engage.  If you care enough to follow, updates will come here and Twitter (you should be following @LoveSqualorBlog).  The royal we will crawl all over social media with everyone else. This is our Superbowl. We are ready for some football...

7:17: Many guys I know find Jeremy Renner appealing. These men are both gay and straight, and I've asked them to explain Jeremy Renner but they never seem to be able to. What I would really like is if someone could explain Jeremy Renner.  He's like, ok, and stuff, but also really boring sometimes?

7:34: It is being assumed that I would like to own a sparkling velvet jacket. This is not inaccurate. What is inaccurate is thinking I'm going to go and actually look for one. Also, Ellen looks a bit like a sparkling pilgrim.

7:41: The one thing they could show from The Wolf of Wall Street, pretty much.

7:43: Jared Leto wins Best Supporting Actor. Deservedly so. But this speech right now, I'm over it.

7:55: I'm feeling like this show is already trying too hard. The Ellen monologue felt flat to me, the stage is like a bunch of cast off body snatcher shells, Jim Carrey disturbed me kind of a lot, and Pharrell and his Arby's hat held that pose waaaaaaaay too long.  The backing animation on that, too, was like...whaaaat?  The animation montage was like duuuummmmb.

7:58: Naomi Watts, imma steal your necklace.  Also, THE GREAT GATSBY wins for Costumes, DALLAS BUYERS CLUB for makeup.  Awards are solid thus far, show is some nonsense.

8:07: Forty minutes in. A handful of awards, a lot of weirdness. Is it too late to bring in Amy and Tina? Can we cut the flower wall?

8:13: MR. HUBLOT wins ANIMATED SHORT FILM, meanwhile, Kim Novak is freaking me out.

8:16: FROZEN wins ANIMATED FEATURE. No alarms, no surprises. Why am I liveblogging this? I'm regretting this decision... I can't even make jokes about how choppy this is.

8:21: Finally, some points for my league team: GRAVITY takes VISUAL EFFECTS. 

8:31: I make note of the fact that the Muppet tea commercial is the best thing to happen so far, my phone blows up. Apparently, the world agrees.  Also, HELIUM wins FOREIGN SHORT.  DOCU SHORT goes to THE LADY IN NUMBER SIX.


8:51: FOREIGN FEATURE goes to THE GREAT BEAUTY, Ewan McGregor needs to cut his hair immediately.

9:05: What does it mean when the taking of a selfie is one of the more charming moments of a television event of this size?

9:07: SOUND MIXING: GRAVITY. Every tech award ever: GRAVITY. (SOUND EDITING)

9:18: LUPITA NYONG'O dethrones J.Law, grabs BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS for 12 Years a Slave.  She deserves it. Her outfit is adorable. No further comment.

9:27: BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY presented by Bill Murray and Amy Adams, with a much needed personal aside on Harold Ramis.  The award goes to...duh...GRAVITY. Also, this guy's filmography is phenomenal. Emmanuel Lubezki may be one of my favorite secret people in Hollywood....

9:30: Once more with feeling: FILM EDITING for GRAVITY.

9:44: I basically just forgot that I was doing this for fifteen minutes.  THE GREAT GATSBY wins PRODUCTION DESIGN.

9:45: Can we rewind and talk about how boring I find P!nk? She shows up, I go to sleep. Why is this?

9:50: True confessions: I took a red eye last night and got about 2 hours of sleep. I'm amazed I can even feel feelings right now. Or form words.

10:12: I'm sorry, everything that just happened needed to go to Twitter instead of here. It's still happening, I don't know why I'm even typing right now: ORIGINAL SCORE goes to GRAVITY and the big sounds.

10:14 : Can we all think back to Steve Coogan's dream sequence in The Trip (I think?) and take a wild guess that he is probably SO PUMPED about being included in this ceremony right now? He's like...FINALLY, people. FINALLY.

10:16: EGOT winner, yo! "LET IT GO" from FROZEN wins BEST SONG. Wow, also, these people are soooooooo theater kids.

10:24: Robert De Niro looks pretty good today. Also, all of those words are totally accurate descriptions of writers. Also, Steve Coogan is probably working out a bit about this for another Winterbottom collaboration as I type this.  ADAPTED SCREENPLAY goes to 12 YEARS A SLAVE.  Meanwhile, ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY goes to HER. 

10:36: ALFONSO CUARON wins BEST DIRECTOR for the brilliantly controlled GRAVITY.

10:44: CATE BLANCHETT finally picks up a BEST ACTRESS award, no one knows whether or not to applaud at a reference to Woody Allen's writing skills.

10:48: I love these Wolf of Wall Street clips. Hacked to shit and sanitized for television. Ridiculous.

10:50: BEST ACTOR goes to MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY. McConaissance goes on. We're going to hear this speech repeated and excerpted for the next 100 years of Oscar ceremonies.

10:55: Half an hour late, as per usual, we land at BEST PICTURE. In a move that will be picked apart (wrongly) in days to come, 12 YEARS A SLAVE deservedly wins.  GO STEVE MCQUEEN, GO!

1 comment:

  1. Jeremy Renner is haawwt. Watching Gravity win everything technical was priceless.


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